Thursday, January 28, 2016

I Wish I Had Known

Those 5 words say so much. The tears say more. Heather, we all miss you so much. Life is just not the same. None of us wanted to ever lose you and none of us knew this was coming. I think about you everyday - that will never change. I don't know what to do anymore.

My world these days is a world I don't know anymore. I watch my grandson, Carter, while Amy works, and I look forward to sleep every day. I know it's probably not healthy, but my sleep has gone up. It's like I've been hibernating. I fall asleep and go into a deep sleep. I don't want to dream because I can't guarantee it will be a good dream. I know Heather won't ever come home again, but it doesn't mean that I don't look for her. I close my eyes and see her, but the Heather I see is gone.

I haven't  been writing on my blog because it's just been too hard. It's so hard to talk about my beautiful daughter, Heather. It's hard to accept that her life is over. I don't want it to be but there is nothing that I can do to bring her back. I'm tired of crying all the time. I think if I let myself go, I would cry 24/7. It's been over 3 months now and the pain is still intense.

What do I do? I keep as busy as I can. I try to block out free time. I play a lot of games with Carter and watch some shows with him. I try to cook (I still have about 3 recipes that I have to share.) My problem is sharing gives me time to think and well, that is painful. When I can't be busy, I try to sleep away the pain. It doesn't always help, but sometimes I can just go so deep in my sleep that I really get some rest. Some days, the rest is awful and I spend most of the night tossing and turning.

All I can say is this. If you feel like you are ever at the end of your rope, please, don't take your life. The pain doesn't end - ever. The pain continues for those left alive. Please, if you feel suicidal, get some help. I've heard people say it's embarrassing, it's hard. Really? Imagine a life feeling pain that doesn't end. I mean, what's the worst that can happen if you ask for help. You might actually get some help and make your life a lot better. You might not leave your family and friends staggering around like zombies with the loss.

I will try to be better and share more. I have to do something, I'm just not sure what.

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Cream Cheese Mints

These are so easy and so delicious! For me, they taste like the York Peppermint patties without the chocolate. I am a big chocolate lover so for me to say I love them without the chocolate is a big deal.
  • Ingredients:
    • 8 ounces cream cheese, softened
    • 6 cups powdered sugar
    • 1/4 cup butter, softened
    • 1 teaspoon peppermint extract
  • Directions:
    • In a large bowl, mix together cream cheese, butter and powdered sugar. Add the peppermint extract. Mix well until smooth. 
    • Take rounded teaspoon-size amounts of mixture and roll them into some extra powdered sugar and roll into balls. 
    • Place balls on a waxed paper lined cookie sheet, about 2 inches apart. 
    • Dip the tines of a fork in powdered sugar and press lightly into each ball.
    • Allow to dry to about 2 hours and then flip each patty over.
    • Let dry for another hour or so.
  • Makes about 4-5 dozen patties, depending on the size you choose.

Monday, January 18, 2016

I Don't Want the Attention

So many times people are hurting and they won't let anyone know. Mental Illness becomes something to be embarrassed about instead of getting the help that is needed. The stigma attached to Mental Illness is real and needs to end. From what I have read, 1 in 5 people suffer from some sort of Mental Illness. Instead of trying to find ways to help all those in need, they try to hide the problem and try to make it go away quietly. That is not working. We need real revolution here. We need people to stand up and let them know that there is a way to slow down the rise of suicides and drug addiction.

My baby wasn't a drug addict, but she did choose to end her own life. If she hadn't committed suicide, most likely, she still would have ended her life through drugs. Either way, it's very hard. You see a life that is full of potential and they see a life that is slowly eating away at their soul. I wish I had done things differently, but Heather was great at hiding her true feelings. She spent her days trying to help others. I think she felt that even if she was miserable, she could do her best to make sure that everyone else had the support that they needed. I didn't know she needed it.

She may have felt that we wouldn't have believed her. That we would just think that she wanted attention. No matter what, we would have done anything for her. She just didn't believe that there was anything to stop the pain. With the numbers involved in today's society, we have to make sure that everyone knows that there is a way to end the pain without having to end their lives. We have to make sure that there is a way to get off of drugs and really get our lives back on track. We need to have compassion. We need to care.

Some people have told me that I am strong. I never know what to say. I find it so hard just to make it through each day. I cry every day. We just spent a week visiting with Carol in Florida and at times, I was really finding it hard even to have a conversation. I was trying to just enjoy the time with Carol and everyone down there. I must admit, the car ride did kill my back and knees, so I am glad that we are home now, even though I still miss Carol and I really don't like waking up to ice and snow. I didn't want the trip marred by tears so I tried by best to enjoy everything that we did. Still, the absence of Heather was truly felt by all.

They say time will help. I have to believe them. What I also have to do is make sure that I tell you that if you are suffering from any form of Mental Illness, get the help! There is a way to stop the pain and the first step is to admit that you have a problem. Until someone knows that you have a problem, things will just get worse. There is help available. There is nothing to be embarrassed about. There is nothing to be ashamed of.