Help Stop The Pain

Thanksgiving is here and I am not. I guess that sums it up the best. It's actually strange celebrating on Thanksgiving because one of us usually was working in the health care field so we started flex holidays long ago, when my girls were all little. I cooked and carved the turkey last night and made up the spinach dip. We didn't eat it last night, we saved it for today. (Okay, we had little spinach dip sandwiches for dinner but Heather wasn't the only one that loved the spinach dip.) I think next year we are going to go back to our flex holiday and change things up some. We are going to have dinner the night before. That's when we usually had it so that all of us could eat together. On Thanksgiving, we mostly chill and watch Christmas movies so I think Thanksgiving is going to become appetizer day. It will help us use up some of the leftovers and truly gives us a chance to chill together and have an easier day. On Fridays, we usually start our baking to share with...

Attending was hard. Plain and simple. My allergies were acting up because I forgot to take my medicine before I left, and the flowers were getting to me, but those breaks gave me time to take a walk outside and spend some time with Heather too. They spent time explaining that suicide loss is really different from other losses and that it can be a long path to find our new normal. I guess that hits home, because while I miss my Mom terribly since she passed away in the beginning of October, the loss of Heather the end of October has been a debilitating loss. The whole in my heart is just huge and it aches like nothing has ached before. It also hurts that I can't call my Mom and talk to her about this. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention has an excellent package that they put together for us and I would like to share one of those pages with you. Just So You Know - A Message for My Friends I can't stop grieving just because you believe it is time for me to m...

Yesterday was my birthday. It was a very hard day for me. I have to admit, I have the best kids a Mom could ask for. When my birthday comes around, they are my first text messages. Waking up and knowing that I wouldn't get a birthday wish from Heather hurt quite a bit. Each birthday wish that I received from someone (and there were quite a few) was like a knife to the heart, a reminder that I couldn't get one from Heather. We all miss her so much. While she was hurting inside, she made sure that everyone else had a good time. My birthday wasn't too exciting. Carter and I played a bit in the morning and then he took an early nap. It wasn't too long of a nap, but it helped. Amy got out early and we had to go over to the Surrogate's Office for Heather's will. The office there made it very easy for us. They were very understanding and compassionate. I so appreciate that. From there, we decided to go to Taco Bell for my birthday dinner. I have never met anothe...

Heather loved to plan things and get us doing things all together. One of Heather's favorite things to do was to go to the movies. Every year, for her birthday and for my birthday, she would make sure we all got together and went to see the latest movie that we would all love. About a week before she passed away, she was questioning how we would all go together because Carol had moved to Fort Myers. She decided that we would all just have to go see the latest Hunger Games movie at the same time. Even if we couldn't be together, we would still all watch it together. Today is the day. We are going to see the movie today for my birthday. Tomorrow is really my birthday, but with everyone's schedules, we are going today in her memory and to try to keep her tradition alive. I'm not sure how my birthday became a movie day, except for the fact that my birthday is around the launch of the new movies for the holidays. Yeah, Heather took over my birthday too. We basically did...

They tell me one day all of this will get easier. We have filled our home with Heather's photos. Carol found this one yesterday. My girls are truly beautiful. Inside and out. I feel truly blessed to have the girls that I have. All of them have hearts of gold. I don't think there is anything they wouldn't do for someone else. How hard it is to start each new day. Hard to put one foot in front of the other and face another day, knowing that Heather will never walk through the door with her beautiful smile and light up the room. The holidays are approaching and so many of our friends are trying to help us. I truly want to just stay in my cocoon and not go out. I know Heather wouldn't like that, but even before this, I became more and more of a hermit. I see the anger and the hate in the world. It's awful. I see people struggling and fighting just to stay on top of things. It's a hard world. I see those in power stepping on the little people, just to make the...

The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention puts on a get-together to help all the Survivors - Survivor Day. You can visit their Survivor Day Website by clicking here and you can find one near you to register by clicking here . I was just speaking with one of the organizers at the one we are attending and they would appreciate it if you can register to help them know how many are coming. While the reservation is not required, it really does help them plan so if you already know you are going, please register for them. It helps them to make sure there are enough volunteers, etc., to help them to help us the best that they can.

Each day that I wake up, the first thought I have is of Heather. I just want her here. I am trying my best to make sure that each thought becomes a positive action toward the better. It's not always easy. The tissue supply just got replenished. Who knew that a person had this many tears inside of them. I truly have 3 beautiful daughters. It's hard to imagine that the photos we have are the last photos that will have Heather in them. Heather really didn't like her picture being taken, but she let us keep some of them. To say she was fussy about pictures is a huge understatement. We are making progress. We have her bookcase all ready to start priming. I will probably wait until Carter goes to sleep to start painting. Painting seems like it will be a lot easier without the help of a 2-year old. He does love to help me work on the bookcase. As I sanded, he sanded. He's a great kid and has helped me so much over the past 19 days. Each morning when I go into the kitc...

It's been over 2 weeks now since I last hugged my daughter and laughed with her. It kills me a little bit every day knowing that she won't be coming home. I wash dishes and bawl that she didn't leave any dishes in the sink that she didn't rinse off. I cry planning dinner because I don't have to ask her if she will come home. On her last day, she wrote "Aunt Yaya love you!" on the cabinet with chalkboard paint on it. Yesterday, Carter started erasing it and I sobbed for so long. Only part of it remains. I know it won't last forever. We do have a picture of it, but I want it to stay. I want Heather to stay. I want her to walk in the door and tell me it was a bad dream but that won't happen. Knowing it doesn't stop me wishing for a miracle. So many thoughts run through my head ... mostly starting with "What if?" I think back to my own youth. I tried to make others happy and I made myself miserable, so perhaps I have an idea of wha...

Yesterday I took a walk. I'm a pretty private person and most of my conversations go on in my own head. Now, it seems all I can do is talk with my baby, my Heather. I told her how sorry I was that I didn't see the pain that was tearing her apart. I only saw the healing love that poured out of her into everyone she met. We set up in area in our apartment for Heather - to keep a part of her with us. We have this old bookshelf - can't say it's very pretty - just painted this ugly brown. Yesterday, I started sanding it down. We are going to refinish it and make it beautiful for her. She was such a talented artist. I don't know how we are going to do her proud of our work, when all I want to do is reach out and ask her to put the beautiful finishes touches on it. We don't have much of her artwork. She usually got rid of it - she wouldn't even sign her work because she didn't think it was good enough - and it is more than good enough - they are so be...