Help Stop The Pain

I don't go to the forums for suicide survivors often, because it is just too hard to see all the suicides that have happened. I will tell you, though, that the guilt is really getting to me and I know that guilt is really not helpful. Yesterday, I posted and out of the replies, the best one I got was to try to switch my guilt to regret. Yes, I regret a lot. I really do. It hurts so much that Heather is gone. If I could turn back the clock, I would change many things, but I don't know if they would have helped. That's the ultimate fact. I don't know. While I can't say that the tears will end anytime soon, I think it may be easier to deal with knowing that no matter what, it was not my decision. It was Heather's decision. No, I don't like her decision and I will regret that decision for the rest of my life. This was her choice and I have to accept it. I don't know when the tears will stop. I think they will continue long into the future. I can't h...

The one thing I hear consistently to those that lost someone to suicide is that they were happy and always helping others. They spent so much time making sure that everyone else was happy, but they didn't take the time to make sure that they were ok. It is so hard knowing that my daughter was so miserable with her own life, that she decided to end it. If you are spending your own life trying to make those around you happy, please, make sure that you worry about yourself too. Do not forget that! It is so important. Do not bury yourself - do not try to bury your burdens. Get the help that you need to make sure that you too are happy with your own life. No family or friends wants to have you only in their memories. It makes life so hard for them. Each day you question so many things. If only starts a lot of our thoughts these days and it is just so hard to know that there is nothing that we can do to bring her back. Heather gave her love and compassion to everyone she knew. She...

I admit, I lost it a few times during the day. It was not only hard because my Mom and Heather were spending it together in Heaven, Carol was also down in Florida. We really didn't know what we were going to do, but we decided to keep going and have Christmas for Carter. I'm glad we did. He loved it and while this year he really didn't grasp the idea of Santa, by next year, he will. He loved his presents, especially his own John Deere tractor that he can ride on. Carter also got this cool glow easel. As I was looking at him open it, all I could think was Heather would have been there playing it right away. I definitely lost it when Amy wrote on it and turned it for me to see and she wrote Merry Christmas from Heaven. I think it was beautiful that she did that. It was truly what I was thinking. It still hurt to again face the reality that I won't be able to see her until my days on Earth are over. I think I am going to have to face that reality every day of my lif...

No matter how bad you feel inside. No matter what is going on in your mind. No matter what you believe or what you have been told. Suicide is not the answer. This picture is a selfie that we got off of Heather's cell phone. If she ever showed us this face, we would have had an inkling. We could have helped her. If you feel like you are too hurt or depressed or that you just have no one there to turn to, you do! It's almost been 2 months and it still hurts as much as the first day. The heart ache, the physical pain we feel is still all too real. I read the statistics and I know that about every 13 seconds in the United States, some one takes their life and leaves family and friends with heart ache. Life altering heart ache. Every day the pain pierces at our hearts. A simple memory. This morning, I made my sauce and meatballs for dinner. Simple enough, right? It was so painful. Each meatball formed, each stir of the sauce, was a reminder that Heather wasn't here. She was...

You can look at the headlines and see so much information about drugs and the damage they leave behind. It is so sad! Our country has been "At War With Drugs" for decades. I think it's time for those in charge to accept that their method isn't working. Perhaps, instead of a war, we offer a helping hand to those in need. I am not a professional, so please don't take my comments as anything more than my opinions. Recent events in my life have made me re-examine many aspects of my life. I have many opinions but usually, I keep most of my thoughts in my head. The other day I was talking to an old friend and found out he was one week clean. We had a long talk, I shared some of my past, and he suggested that I share some of them with others too. That they helped him and could help others. Well, now I am talking about it. I know I go on many posts about suicide after my baby, Heather, decided to take that path. But while she chose suicide, she could have easily ta...

Whether it be by suicide or drugs, it still ends up the same. A huge hole in your heart that is just painfully empty. I remember so clearly the day that Heather became a part of my life, the day of her birth. My heart was filled with my love for her. I remember so clearly the  day that Heather chose to end her life. My heart became so empty. Don't get me wrong, my love for my other two daughters and my grandson are still full to overflowing, but nothing and no one will ever replace my sweet Heather. I combine suicide and drug addiction because I personally feel they are two sides of the same coin. Both revolve around depression, anxiety - so many forms of mental illness that it would be impossible to list them all. While I know my daughters are suffering too, I haven't been in their shoes. I know they are hurting and I am hurting, but all of our hearts are a little different. I have three sisters and all of them are alive and well. Heather summed things up in her notes to ...

I had a wonderful dream last night. Heather came back and told us that she could come back but that we had to move to where no one knew us. Hands down, we were ready to do this. It was so real. I just knew it was true. The first thing she wanted was my tablet so she could go online and see what all her friends were up to. We talked, we hugged and I was just so happy to have her back home. Waking up was another story. I woke up so excited and then I saw my tablet where I keep it and it all crashed down and told me it was just a great dream. I am thankful that I had some time with her, if only in my dreams. Not a day goes by that we don't think of her and wish she was here with us. I know when my time is up, I will get to see her in Heaven, but I also know that it will take a while for that to happen. We have been able to start our Christmas baking and got some cookies shipped off to Carol and my Dad down in Florida. They will all have plenty to share with their friends. My Da...

Heather loved books. She had her favorite authors and she loved the feel and smell of books. I had decided to go digital and she thought I was a traitor to books, but it was just so much easier picking up my tablet and taking it with me. I could carry multiple books and it was no heavier. Who knew I would end up having another collection of books that I would treasure much more than I had my own  books. As you can see, the original bookcase really was pretty plain and beat up. We didn't want to display her things on it. We had set it up pretty quickly when we had some visitors coming over after the memorial service, but had already decided it would get refinished. I know she loves the end result. We tried to incorporate some of her designs on it. We had originally thought to do more than we did, but we loved it at this state. It truly reminded me of the time that Heather and I got to spend in New Mexico. So, needless to say, this is her new bookcase. Sanded, filled and repa...

Six weeks ago today, my world was sane. Six weeks ago tonight, my world changed so much. I never knew that pain could last so long and cut so deep. When I found out I was pregnant with Heather, I cried. I learned after almost losing Amy as a baby that I knew my world would end if I ever lost a child. When Heather was born, she was perfect. I was so happy. I knew she was a true blessing and she helped me so much. Just by being born. I knew that life could go on and would. When the NJ State Police showed up, I heard the words that every parent dreads. Your child is gone. I have 3 beautiful girls. I just can't visit with Heather anymore. I can't spend anymore time with her. I can't get any more hugs from her. I can't even watch her pass out on the couch after working an overnight. Simple things. I miss them all. When a child is born, a piece of your heart goes to them. It's no longer yours. Now, I have a hole in my heart that I just can't fill. Doing things fo...

My life these days is so different. One day just seems to blend into another. I don't remember nearly enough of what has gone on these past weeks. I mistakenly thought that after the first couple of weeks, I would remember more. I guess I do remember more, but not everything. I have learned to write down even the little things. I wish I could remember more of what happened those first couple of weeks, but those are memories that I can't bring back. When I try, it just is the memory of the 3 NJ State Troopers in my living room and that is a memory I would gladly forget. Unfortunately, I don't think I ever will. Carter and I are starting to get into a routine, I guess. The only part I don't like is that he is starting to want to give up his naps. Basically, he takes a nap now only a few days a week, the rest he just does not want one. We can sit quietly for a couple of hours, but he won't fall asleep. Oh well, time to make some more adjustments. I can't rea...

Since my daughter took her own life, I have been going through various emotions, mostly sadness and emptiness, but I do have to find the cause. I know she stated that she was miserable and while she knew she would hurt us by doing this, she just didn't think it was fair to make her live in a world that made her miserable. I read the headlines - more massive shootings, more overdoses, more suicides - it's actually very depressing. So many, especially the politicians say take away the guns and there will be no more shootings. Lock up the drug users and there will be no more overdoses. Suicide victims, well, they just really don't cover that. That is just wrong. What do all three of these things have in common? They all can be brought back to mental illness. There is something we can do, but it will take some changes. Major changes. Changes that are long overdue! I visited one site - Drug Policy Alliance ( click here to visit their pages ). The USA alone spends more tha...

It's been over a month and it doesn't seem to get any easier. I shared this picture that I found on her Facebook. She loves all things colorful and I love how she created this rainbow picture of herself. We are all going through the motions of every day life. I admit, I think Amy and Carol are doing better. I really don't like going out, but really, that's not too different. I have been let down by so many people in the past, my family is the one I choose to spend most of my time with. It's just easier for me. When we do go out, like for the Polar Express Train Ride , I try and enjoy myself but the only thing I really want is to go back home where I am surrounded by Heather's things. I look for signs from her everywhere. Mostly I think I see her in the clouds. There have been so many unique cloud formations when I look up, I just see her trying her hand at cloud painting, and I must say, she is doing a great job. Heather really was very talented. At least n...