Help Stop The Pain

It's now just past a year since we lost Heather to suicide and life is definitely different now. We haven't been able to "see" Heather for over a year now and I still picture her the same. I love all my daughters and death hasn't changed that. I couldn't imagine my life without them I guess that is what makes this so hard. I don't have to imagine anymore. One of my beautiful daughters will always be out of the pictures we take now. The first year is supposedly the hardest. I would say the hardest months were, well, all of them, but the hardest two were the first month and the last month of the year. I was a little bit surprised at how much the last month really threw me for a loop. It seemed October rolled in and the pain was back in full force. I think it's the hardest because you realize that there will be no more new memories, no more ... "What's it going to be like without Heather" questions. The answer is, it's going to be...

Today is a hard day for us all. My beautiful girls. We all miss you so much, Heather. It has definitely been a tear-filled year. So much has changed and nothing has changed at all. I mentioned the other day that I missed the old me. A friend told me that the old me was still there. She was wrong. The old me, the me before Heather took her life, is completely gone. Losing my beautiful daughter to suicide changed me completely. Last year at this time, it was just another day for me. Heather, and Heather alone, knew that this would be her last day with us. Her last day, forever. I never knew the pain that would rip through my very soul could be that intense and not ever leave me. In the past year, I have learned to survive. I have learned that, at certain times, I just have to remind myself to breathe. I am learning, still, that I have keep repeating those two. I have to keep surviving and I have to keep breathing. Last year, I looked at memories. Now, I look at memories -  bef...

I read something on social media the other day that says there are really two basic sides to the grief of losing a child, losing a sibling. There is the side that says, yeah, everything is okay. Then, there is the other side. The side that is screaming in pain. The side that relieves the heartache every day of their lives. If someone asked me what was the hardest part of the year, well, that was the day that Heather took her own life. If someone asked me what was the happiest part of the year, that would also have to be the same day, but that day was the last time I saw Heather, the last time I would never feel this pain inside my soul.  Over the year, I have shared a lot of my raw pain with all of you. When I first lost Heather, one of the first things I was told was to keep a journal. After the first year, you go back to the beginning and explore where you have grown. That will show how much, well, I have no clue. Anyway, this coming year will  be my, for want of ...

We all want our kids with us forever and ever. I would do anything to have Heather back with us, but we can't have that. Instead, you pick up the papers or go on the internet and see stories of children, so young, taking their own lives. I have heard of young children, 9 years old, taking their lives. Each time I hear of another loss of life by suicide, another piece of my heart rips open. We have to take a stand. We have to let everyone know, adults and children, that depression and mental illness are real and that these diseases can take over a person's soul until they feel so lost and desperate. We need to let them know that there is nothing that can't be solved. Our pasts can't be changed, but our futures can be. If we don't like our present, we can change it! One step at a time, we can all work thru everything. One year ago today, life was normal for me. I was a Mom. I had 3 beautiful daughters, all with hearts of gold. My oldest, Carol, was starting her...

Each time I think I am moving forward, it seems that something happens and the tears won't stop again. October used to be one of my favorite months. I loved Halloween. Now, I wish I could just skip over the entire month. October 3rd will mark the 1 year anniversary of my Mom's death and October 26th will mark Heather's 1 year anniversary of her decision to end her own life. I wish I could just skip over the entire month. Last October was the worst month in my life and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. They say time heals all wounds, but I don't find that to be true at all. The pain doesn't go away. So many times I just want to pick up the phone and call my Mom. I can't. I can't talk to her about my baby's death. My Mom had already passed on. I wish I could have both of them home with me. I want to wrap my arms around both of them and never let them go. I want the pain of losing them both so close together to end. I want to stop crying ...