Christmas Was Hard

I admit, I lost it a few times during the day. It was not only hard because my Mom and Heather were spending it together in Heaven, Carol was also down in Florida. We really didn't know what we were going to do, but we decided to keep going and have Christmas for Carter. I'm glad we did. He loved it and while this year he really didn't grasp the idea of Santa, by next year, he will. He loved his presents, especially his own John Deere tractor that he can ride on.

Carter also got this cool glow easel. As I was looking at him open it, all I could think was Heather would have been there playing it right away. I definitely lost it when Amy wrote on it and turned it for me to see and she wrote Merry Christmas from Heaven. I think it was beautiful that she did that. It was truly what I was thinking. It still hurt to again face the reality that I won't be able to see her until my days on Earth are over.

I think I am going to have to face that reality every day of my life. So many times I see something or think of something that just reminds me of one of them. I still hurt for my Mom, but while it was her choice, it was to stop the treatments because she had no more quality of life. Heather is harder. Again, she chose it, but she had a full life ahead of her. She could have gotten the help she needed and we would still be able to have her with us.

I just miss my baby. She was only 22 and she changed so many lives forever when she made that decision. I feel like I permanently need a box of tissues near me because I never know when the tears will start. Some nights I am also asleep and will just have to wipe my eyes. Tears flow, it seems, on their own. I try to watch more TV at night to try to numb my thoughts. It helps some, but not very much. I don't think there is enough of anything to numb the thoughts. While I am told it will get easier, and the "firsts" are the hardest. Our lives are forever altered.